May this year be a new beginning for all of us to become better individuals, benefiting the ummah. I wrote this post a while back but I never had the courage to share it. But I guess that it's about time.
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
'Depression'. It's a word used by many people without realizing the depth of its meaning. To be sad doesn't mean to be depressed.
I'm 19 and for the past two months or so, I have been somewhat blessed to experience a glimpse of depression as it made me realize the actual reality of it. Firstly, let me tell you that I can now view it as a 'blessing' as I am in a good mood, Alhamdulillah which allows me to reflect on things and comprehend the lessons learnt from my experience. However, the purpose of my writing is not to bore you with the lessons I have learnt as I believe that philosophically, these lessons would be quite similar to those undergoing any form of hardships. So, I am here to share a few significant parts of my experience and to be able to tell those who are undergoing the similar experience that you are not alone. I know that this 'you are not alone' phrase is so typical but honestly, when you do realize that someone is going through the similar experience and understands at least 50% of what you're going through, it is really comforting.
My writing style is pretty dry so please bear with me. I'll try my best to get to the point.
Let me start by telling you about how I realized that my sadness meant more than just sadness. I was having sleepless nights and I would suddenly just feel really really sad out of no specific reason which made me end up crying myself to sleep. Also, there would be times when I just felt so angry and frustrated once again for no specific reason. I just felt that there was this 'building emotions in my chest' that I couldn't express.
In addition to all that, I have been diagnosed with juvenile myoclonic epilepsy (JME) since I was 13. My epilepsy attacks are usually induced by the lack of sleep as well as stress which meant that I had to always keep these two elements in check. So, not being able to sleep at night was just making things complicated as I not only didn't get enough sleep but my stress levels were bizarre. My whole sleep-wake cycle was disrupted, I had migraines, nausea and exhaustion was the worst part of it all. I guess that I could still bear the physical pain that I had to go through but the mental exhaustion of crying myself to sleep and all the unhealthy emotions were unbearable.
For the first few weeks of going through this, I felt that maybe I was just having a hormonal imbalance so I just tried to stop worrying about it (which didn't really work). The situation continued and it was slowly getting worse as I couldn't concentrate in my studies and prayers at all. I have always believed that prayer and lots of dua would get me out of any situation but the problem now was that I couldn't even speak to Allah during prayer. I just could not feel any emotions and I could not concentrate during prayer. I couldn't cry to Allah and pour out my worries to Him. All long, my Iman and the believe that I have Allah kept me going to endure my physical challenges but this time around, out of all things, I felt that I was losing my Iman. Na'uzubillah min zalik.
Then, Ramadhan came about and things were different. I wasn't my normal self and my emotional state was simply worsening. I pushed myself hard to not give up on my prayers and to hold tight to the rope of Allah. It was really really hard to pray on time, to not give up the practice of reading the Qur'an daily and to go to the mosque for Terawih prayers. It was tough as I have always loved Ramadhan, especially the part of going to the mosque for Terawih. Now, I started questioning so many things about my own religion to the extent of which I asked myself, 'Is Allah really there?'. I just didn't know as there was this long silence from Him. This time around, the silence was just too long to endure moreover it being in the month of Ramadhan.
This part is going to be quite hard for me to express but I will try. One day I was at the mosque for Terawih and I just felt emotions building up in my chest. I was frustrated for not being able to cry to Allah. For not being able to feel empathy towards the victims of Gaza and MH17 who were suffering and to be thankful for everything that I was blessed with. I couldn't take things anymore so I walked out of the mosque once Isya' prayers were done and all alone, I walked back to my hostel (which was about 20 minutes away). Along the way, I had wild thoughts of standing in the middle of the road and just get banged down by a car. It was as if I had no control over my own thoughts. It was really scary and traumatizing but I'm glad that I had Islam to not make me do it. I reminded myself that I don't have the right to take my own life. Only the One who created me had the right.
So, I arrived back at my hostel and I took the knife... I resorted to self-harming. But I'm so thankful that nothing happened (there was no bleeding or wounds). I just scratched myself and it didn't hurt at all. Before this major incident I did it several times as well but the difference was I didn't use a knife. I started off by using a ruler to scratch myself, followed by a butter knife but I guess that wasn't enough as none of those options were painful. Looking at this now, I realize that Allah was there, protecting me from being wounded.
Why did I self- harm? Was I trying to kill myself? No I wasn't. I resorted to self-harm because I had no other way to let out all those emotions. My chest just felt (I don't even know how to describe it). I did try to speak to people (parents and friends) as well as write out my thoughts but nothing helped. I just didn't know what to say to others when I was asked what was wrong and I didn't know what to write. The conclusion was I felt so much pain on the inside that I just needed to channel it on the outside. To all of you who are reading this, please do know that this is not something I'm proud of. The only reason I'm sharing this is to tell those who might have done this to themselves that they aren't alone and there's a way out of this emotional turmoil that they are going through. So, no matter how sad you are, please don't try doing this (for obvious reasons).
Like I said earlier, I ended up self-harming to let out the emotional grieve. To be honest, it did make me feel relieved at that moment but it wasn't long lasting. For about an hour or two, I felt okay as I was focused on the scars that I made but after that, I would feel like an idiot. I felt ashamed and embarrassed of my actions that simply worsened my emotional state. I cried more, I had more sleepless nights and things were worsening. I was scared of myself, of the demons in me. For those of you who are facing the same problem of self-harm, one of the things I would recommend you to do is to speak to tell what you are doing to someone (friends, teachers, family members). Preferably, express yourself to someone who means a lot to you and who you really love. I know it's very difficult to bring yourself to do it and it takes a lot of courage to do so but you have to do it in order to help yourself. When you speak to them, tell them that you know it's stupid and you shouldn't do it but you are just lost. As for myself, the night I took the knife and harmed myself, I called up my mum and told her what was going on. She was in a shock and the reason why I advise you to tell the people whom you love is because by hearing their pleading voice to tell you not to do it, it helps to keep you away from the maladaptive behaviour of self-harm. After telling my mum, each time I thought of self-harming, I would be reminded of her voice. Nevertheless, my self-harming actions didn't stop immediately after I told my mum but at least, it became less frequent.
For now, I will leave you with this as I can't bring myself to write more. Alhamdulillah, I am slowly recovering after being diagnosed for having 'depressive symptoms'. I know how hard it is to not have anyone (besides Allah, of course) to understand the situation of feeling utterly sad. So, the main aim of my writing is to inform those who are feeling really really sad that you're not alone. Even if everyone leaves you or if everyone is around you but yet you feel alone, never forget that Allah is there with you. Yes, you can't see Him and His silence might be killing you.
Just remember this:"During a test, the teacher is always silent"- Nouman Ali Khan.
I know it's easier said than done, to convince your own thoughts but don't give up. Here are a few things that I would like to leave you with which I hope would help:
- It's okay to feel tired of talking to people and to want to be alone.
- It's normal to feel drained out of being positive in the midst of darkness
- It's okay to speak to people and share your problems with them. Try not to think too much of being a burden. If you think that speaking to people helps you get through the sadness, then please do so.
- It's also okay to not want to speak to your friends and family. But don't shut them out completely. Just tell them that you need the time and space to recover. It's okay if they don't understand.
- It's okay to be selfish when you are in this state, but be open about it (explain your actions) to those who care for you.
- It's okay to have 'irrational fears'.
- It's normal to lose friends and for people who love you to be angry with some of your actions. Forgive them because they don't understand.
- However, it's not okay to give up and to think that you won't get better. You will and you have to trust that you will, In shaa Allah.
To all those who read through this whole post, thank you very much. I know how boring my writing can be so kudos to you for reading it till the end. Not forgetting, to everyone who helped me get through this stage of my life, may Allah reward you with His blessings.
Till then,
Assalamualaikum & take care.
p/s Don't forget to thank Allah for granting you with the ability to cry and to feel emotions. I never realized that 'crying' was a blessing until I experienced this emotional turmoil. So, thank Allah for what you have now (let's say Alhamdulillah!) as one day, it might be taken away as every blessing you have has never been yours. Everything belongs to Allah so He has a right to take it back whenever He wills.
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