Getting up everyday, asking myself 'Why am I still alive?' is indeed a crazy thought to have. Everyone I know has been telling me that I have to be grateful to live another day, for Allah has given me the chance to be a better person and to recover from whatever situation that I'm currently in. They have told me countless times that I have to be strong and I have to keep going for indeed, the end is going to be worth it. That Allah loves me and through this, He will expiate my sins. That one day, I will finally understand why Allah placed me in such a difficult situation.
I understand where everyone's coming from. They are asking me to have Faith in Allah, to believe that there's good in everything, just like the hadith of the prophet which states that there's good in every affair of a believer. They are all telling me to believe in His promise.
Alhamdulillah, I believe in everything that has been said. I know that Allah's promise is true. I know that. It's just that when things become so hard, when getting out of bed becomes a chore, when living itself is a chore of its own, how am I suppose to 'keep going'? How am I to smile and to stay happy for I can't even feel grateful for the many things I have been blessed with? Despite knowing that I have so much to be thankful for, I just can't see the positives in life and feel happy. It's as if my emotions are numb to feel joy. It's only sadness that I often feel. Thoughts of ending my life conquer my mind but thanks to Islam, I know that only He has the right to do so. Only He can take away life from me. I know it's a morbid thought to have and that I should never think this way, but I can't seem to have a sense of control of my own mind.
Despite all that I have said above, I'm still alive right now, staring at this blank page and thinking about 'Why Am I Here?'. Again, I know that the ultimate reason is to worship Him and to live my life in order to attain His blessings. Then again, this whole concept is so difficult to truly be practiced. As a first year student studying abroad with numerous challenges in my way, I have tried enjoying my studies and living the 'robotic' life of getting up, going to Uni, performing my 5 daily prayers, studying through the night, keeping myself entertained through the social media and reading, I just feel myself questioning my existence time and time again. It's as if I'm currently doing what I'm doing because I don't have a choice to do anything else and simply because at the age of 20, it's a requirement to attain a degree. Don't get me wrong, I really used to love studying and gaining knowledge but with the hectic schedule of uni life, this whole ideology I had about studying for the sake of knowledge has been ruined.
And, I find myself thinking this: 'If I were to die today, would that make a difference at all, really?'. Well, maybe my friends and family would mourn over my death for a few days or weeks at most, but after that? I will be forgotten. And even if I place this situation in terms of how Allah would evaluate me, I don't think I'm worthy of His Jannah, really. For all I have done is complain about His blessings.
I want to be defined more than my grades, more than the uni I am in, more than which scholarship I am under, which country I'm studying in and I want to be defined more than the degree I will eventually attain.
I want to feel that it's okay to feel sluggish and to feel that life it's worthless but use to use that morbid thought as a source of motivation to get back up and to search for my true meaning of existence.
I know that a huge part of my current state is my inability to let go of my past fears and to just move on with life. I have been restricting myself to too many things I wanted to do such as blogging about mental health, considering that the society may end up judging me. But in the end, when I suffer, it comes back to me and Allah. Society can only support with their comforting words. I can't deny that I'm feeling completely horrible today but then again, I have responsibilities which consists of assignments piling up to be completed. I now see it as a burden because I have deadlines and I don't even have time for myself. Every single day of the week is devoted to work, work and more work but I have to admit that my time management skills aren't admirable, either. I often succumb to wander where is the old me, who had the determination and drive, the passion and that fire to do well in my studies? Though I do wish that I had that girl back, I sometimes reflect and realize that it's better that she isn't around anymore for at that point of her life, studies was all that mattered to her. Now, she has to search for her true meaning of existence and ensure that she doesn't fall into the trap of the modern world.
Well, I honestly don't know what was the exact message I was trying to deliver through this but I do feel slightly better for indirectly, I have expressed my gratitude towards Him (i think).
Farhanah Adam.
