When no one understands, when no one wants to listen, that's when I realize how empty I am. How much this void hurts and how difficult it is to do something to overcome it. I realize that I have no one, no one who will be there with me all the time regardless of how much they love me. And this realization comes with so much pain for I have always thought that there are some people I can always depend on. I was wrong, for indeed human beings aren't meant to stay. They are meant to let you down, to cause you heartbreak due to your undue attachments.

Then again, is it wrong for me to be so attached to my family? I never knew that love could cause me so much pain. Or maybe, it's not love but it's selfishness and over-dependency. I can't do this for I don't know how to live without them. This pain is so overwhelming but I'm just relieved and glad that at least, I'm able to cry. He didn't take that away from me this time around. The ability for these tears to flow down my cheeks are a blessing. I just hope that He helps me wade my way through this. 

When It Gets Real

Being diagnosed with depressive symptoms and officially being diagnosed with 'clinical depression' are two very different feelings. The latter brings about feelings of denial but Alhamdulillah, being diagnosed with the symptoms before the disease eases the pain a lot. Besides denial, there's a tiny bit of relief (I guess) as what I'm feeling has finally been acknowledge and I know that I have to get due help, In shaa Allah. Please make do'a for me so that with His help, I'm able to pull myself out from diving deeper into this ocean of unwanted emotional turmoil.

Being Your Own Soulmate

Once upon a time, I never really bought the idea of having a soulmate for I found it to be 'a waste of time' looking for one. Like life had so many other priorities that I wasn't even thinking about this. Going through these difficult times have however made me feel the intense need of having someone a.k.a a soulmate by my side. I'm looking at it as a solution and oh well, that definitely ain't healthy. 

I know that I have to be my own soulmate. I have to be happy in my own skin, with the company of my own self. If I can't be happy with me, how am I supposed to expect someone who doesn't even know me to be happy by my side? It totally doesn't make sense, does it? In the end, those who you thought were your best friends, will just stop bothering about helping you through tough times as they would get tired of your actions. 

Being one's own soulmate isn't easy. The sad reality for me is that it's hard to be happy on my own. When I'm out on my own in a restaurant, I have the tendency to feel anxious all of a sudden, as if the whole world's looking at me and that just makes me so uncomfortable. Instead of just enjoying the company of myself, I end up worrying about unwanted things which are just happening in my own train of thoughts, not in reality.

At the end of the day, only Allah knows what I'm going through. Sometimes, it's just so hard to believe that He knows as He is being so silent. That's why they say, patience is virtue.

Farhanah Adam.