Embracing Pain

The phase of growing up comes with a price to it. Heartache is one of those immense pain that I have felt these past few years but it has undoubtedly thought me a lot about myself and made me stronger. At the beginning of the time of which I felt the pain, I did not want to admit it. I felt as if I was 'too strong' to go through such pain that's caused by mankind and that no one could have such an impact to make me feel immense pain. Well, I was definitely wrong to think in that manner and it didn't help at all. It only made things worse as I did not do the first thing that's necessary to be done when one's feeling hurt- to validate that very feeling.

Now that I have finally accepted my vulnerability and come to terms with it, I feel as if a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Admitting that I'm weak and that I'm in pain has made me stronger to move on. Though it's been a challenge, it has been a lot easier. I now wonder why I didn't embrace the pain earlier and the answer is fear. I allowed it to consume my thoughts, emotions and feelings. The power of fear is tremendous and it's been more than 2 years since it has held me back from embracing pain. Paradoxically, Alhamdulillah, I'm now glad that I have finally embraced the pain.

'Pain demands to be felt'

Farhanah Adam.

Of Letting Go

Letting Go,

Two words,

Carrying a burden,

As great as the snowy mountains.

Letting Go,

A concept so complex,

And I bet that right now, 

That song's playing in your head.

(this is so random)

Letting Go,

It just revolves around everything,

From relationships to school grades,

From the best to worse memories.

Letting Go,

Why is it so hard?

Why do we hold on so tight?

Why do we fear letting go?

Letting Go,

It was never meant to be easy,

As that's the ultimate test for creation,

To let go and have faith.

Alright, back to studying!

Farhanah Adam.

Not Even the Mid-Way Slump

It's only the third day of Ramadhan and I'm already feeling completely worn-out, exhausted and tired of myself. I don't know why I expected Ramadhan to be different. For me to just be okay and to not feel all those mixed emotions, having unwanted thoughts and so on. It's maybe due to the fact that Syaitan is tied up during Ramadhan, I thought that everything was going to be 'perfect'. The truth is, it's me who is the actual problem. It's me who has to change. I'm exhausted and I'm tired of trying to change for I don't know what's the root cause of my issues.

Letting go of the past is such a huge burden for me. Then, I should probably move on right? The problem is, each time I try to move on, fear of what may happen due to the past haunts me. Everyone tells me to be happy by simply thinking about happy things. It's not that easy though I wish it was. I hate having feelings and emotions as they are like waves which hit hard and I just drown within them. I'm worn out, Ya Allah. I just don't think life's worth living but I know it's wrong to think this way. Forgive me for I'm ungrateful but only You truly know what I'm going through.

Farhanah Adam.

Education

I always had the perception that university life would be totally different, in an enchanting way. Adults who are in their 50-s and those in my grandparents' era, have told me countless times that university days were the best times of their lives. Those were their carefree days where they just had to attend classes, study for exams and the rest of the time was to be enjoyed with friends. They always told me that learning was a joy to them, not a burden. I never heard them ever using the word 'stress' to describe university life. So, before embarking upon my new journey of uni life 3 months ago, I held on to this perception, forgetting that times have changed and that we now live in a fast-paced world.

When I started uni 3 months back, I was eager to learn and to take in knowledge, to appreciate its value and to be able to smile, knowing that I have learnt something new and precious. Well, I must say that having the positive mindset to start my university journey was definitely a plus point but it didn't last me long. I think that no matter which part of the world one is studying today, there is immense pressure being placed on students, focusing on the 'outcome and results' instead of the journey. I'm sure that I'm not the only one who has to go through sleepless nights having to stay up to complete assignments, study for quizzes and to simply finish weekly homework or readings. Sometimes I question is it's my time management skills that are terrible. I would say that even if I have a slightly more 'disciplined' lifestyle, I could probably only get 20% more of the work done without having to stay up.

I feel as if I have been deceived when it comes to understanding the true meaning of education. I don't mind working hard, really. In fact, I know that working hard is essential but it should be for the knowledge. But doesn't everything have their own limits? How is someone like me who suffers from migraine and epilepsy (disabilities that will be triggered due to stress or lack of sleep), supposed to deal with education? Do I really have to sacrifice my health and take in the extra pills, suffer from having migraine but still needing to stay up with that pain to complete the pile of work awaiting me? I guess the only answer is yes, I have to. The world doesn't give in to disabilities. I'm meant to deal with it and I know that what I'm facing is trivial compared to other people who have it worst. I'm struggling to love education, to enjoy learning in this system which only aims to produce students with great grades and not educate them for the knowledge. Forgive me if my perceptions are distorted and negative. I hope that at one point during my 3 years of education, it will change.

Farhanah Adam.