When Verbal Expression Ain't Possible

When pain felt is so profound that there just aren't words to actually describe that pain. Even crying doesn't allow the pain to subside. Sometimes I wonder so hard on how to get rid of the pain and I have tried various ways but it hasn't succeeded. Instead, I only end up having bad thoughts- those that I don't have the guts to say out loud verbally as it's obviously stupid and irrational to those who are normal. However, I need to express this out in some way, to acknowledge my thoughts and feelings. Only by doing this will I be able to eventually deal with these thoughts. Honestly, I rather not think about it but pushing those thoughts away has simply aggravated the thoughts to worsen as my emotions have bottled up further.

I just feel like I can't do this whole studying abroad thing anymore. Homesickness and being away from my family is something that I can't handle. My coping mechanism has always been to lean on my family. Well, I tried for one semester and it has been horrendous though I did get through it. I just don't want to go through the whole emotional roller-coaster again. The thing is that I don't really have a choice. I have to continue my studies at the current Uni I am at for the consequences of not doing so is something I would not even want to start thinking about. It's just too late for me to back track.

This is hard to express but I haven't got over my depression issues completely. It sickens me because every time I feel pain and wounded deep inside, I keep thinking about self-harm for that's the only way for me to actually 'feel something being released'. I'm ashamed to admit that several episodes of self-harm attempts have taken place during my First Semester and I did take the initiative to meet a psychologist. But the thing is, I was told what I already knew by the psychologist and it didn't make things any better for me. I'm still afraid of myself, of my own thoughts and of the demons within me.

There's so much anger and resentment within me that I just can't seem to let go of. There questions which are at the back of my mind which have been left unanswered and it hurts more as these questions are not those that I should be asking. I have started to question God and I'm angry with Him for many reasons. I mean, how can I even have the guts to be angry with Allah when He has given me so much? I should be grateful for everything I have been blessed with but I am not. I tried telling myself, convincing myself that He is always there listening and that He has something great in store for me. I have kept on telling myself that He knows best and that in the end everything's going to be worth the struggle but the main problem is, I don't even believe in what I tell myself.

Religion and the believe in Allah has kept me going on all long but now, I'm afraid that I'm starting to lose faith. I don't like my own train of thoughts and I am starting to question so many things about my own deen. The very deen that saved me from drowning a few years back. Thoughts such as stopping prayer, taking off my hijab and not reading the Qur'an anymore has crossed my mind. I'm just so afraid right now for if He takes away the Hidayah of Islam from me, I have nothing left. I just can't seem to control my own thoughts and these thoughts existed even during the month of Ramadhan where I was free from the whispers of the Syaitan. I really have no idea on what I should do or how I should cope with all these challenges. The demons of my thoughts seems too hard to be defeated. I am scared, dead scared. Please make doa that He shows me the way through this and helps me find peace while I am in the Land Down Under. I have not felt peace for more than 2 years and I yearn for peace, the ability to be able to control my own thoughts and to find Him. I just need to truly believe in Him again. 

May this new semester turn out to be a better one for me, In shaa Allah. May I find Him in my struggles.

Farhanah Adam.

Breaking Free

One of my greatest flaws is that once I care about someone, I tend to become overly attached and I wholly invest my emotions in people. Being attached to people means that I signed up for a package that comes with disappointment and heartbreak. Not everyone is like me and that's good. However, it's hard to accept as although I may have invested so much of time and emotions on someone, they just don't bother as much about me in the end. I just turn out to be 'another friend' to them though I may consider them as my closest friend or even like my own sister.

Nevertheless, there may be people out there who care about me as much as I care about them. So, I would say that despite the heartbreak that is deemed to occur, go for it and care for people. I would rather care too much than not care at all. 

Also, intention plays a big role. Changing your intention to care for your friends to please Allah s.w.t would give your heart comfort when heartbreak is felt. You will be able to tell yourself that Allah knows best and He will reward you with what's best. To break free from attachments doesn't mean to seclude yourself and not get attached at all. Just break free from expectations and I guess that being overly attached wouldn't hurt as much as it used to. 

Farhanah Adam. 

New Found Love

Travelling. It's been the best part of uni life thus far and I have been blessed with the opportunity to go around the state of Victoria, Australia this time around. It was a beautiful 7 day journey, exploring nature as well as the city of Melbourne, with the company of friends. 

The beauty of nature witnessed with my bare eyes can't be expressed even using the best camera lens. That was how beautiful the places were, particularly the Great Ocean Road. Crossing off 'witnessing a magnificent sunset' from my bucket list was also something I managed to do during this journey and it was more significant being able to do it with some of the most precious friends I have. I am truly blessed to be able to do something that I am passionate about- travelling. I think I have learnt so much just from that 7 day journey, not only about myself but about my friends.

There was one particular incident of which touched my heart very profoundly whereby the moon was shining so brightly on the night of the 15th of Ramadhan. I felt as if Allah sent the moonlight to ensure I drove home safely as in the suburbs of Aussie, streetlights don't exist and I without the moon that night, it would have been close to impossible for me to drive home without feeling afraid. He also thought me the importance of good company during the trip through several incidents like falling down while skiing, driving with the company of friends singing and playing tricks in the car just so that I stay awake and friends who were constantly keeping up with my Whatsapp messages just to make sure that 'I'm okay'. I'm blessed, I really am and I want to be able to always remember how blessed I am. Alhamdulillah for this new found love of travelling and for seeing the rainbow after such a long stormy journey. 

Farhanah Adam. 

Friendship

'Friends are your family when you're abroad'

To me, friends have always been friends, except for the very few Sri Amanians whom I treasure and keep close to my heart. It's always been a challenge for me to make friends and maintain friendships as I hardly ever allow people to get to know me. There's this wall that I never wanted to take down after certain incidents in life took place. So, when I was told the statement above, being the egoistic person that I am, I denied it. I felt that I could survive on my own, without friends by my side but man, I was definitely wrong.

Denying the fact that I need friends is now causing me a lot of pain. As much as I try to get close to people, I find that I don't make others feel comfortable around me. To simply say it, being around me is not easy. I have my mood swings that my friends have to deal with and when I'm moody, I can be extremely sarcastic. 

To see how beautiful friendship bonds are between some people makes me feel really sad and upset about myself. Oh well, it was a decision I made and I have to live with it, I guess. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and just be myself with everyone but it ain't possible. So, live with the decisions I have made and change for the better is the way forward.

Farhanah Adam.