I don't know about you but there have been times of which I loathe myself so much whereby I feel utterly worthless. It's like I come to a point where I start asking 'apa guna aku kat dunia ni?'. It's as if my existence just brings about pain to other people and that my presence doesn't mean anything to anyone, not even myself. Well, I haven't found anything to soothe my soul and comfort it by rebutting the matter stated above. 

However, to just know that even if I hate myself, there's Allah who loves me is so comforting. Despite how cruel I am to myself, He has always saved me. Just when I thought no one gave a shit about me, He showed His love and mercy upon me. And what makes it even more mind-blowing is the fact that He didn't send anyone to make me feel loved. He showed it to me- directly. O Allah, make this heart fall in love with you, the Only One who will always stay. 

I'm okay now, O Allah. Thank you for loving me at my worst. #thepoweroflove

Yours truly,

Farhanah.

It May Not Be The Best

Often times,  when unexpected things happen and when circumstances don't favor what we seem to be ideal, it is normal to receive advise saying that 'yknow what, maybe that's not what's best for you. Allah knows best'. As a recipient of such advise, one of the many things that would go through my mind upon listening to that phrase is 'I know... But you have no idea what I'm currently going through'.

I guess that in all of us, there's this ego-defensive mechanism that arises every time we receive advise or criticism (well, I speak for myself but I believe that I'm not the only one). For me, there's always this need of defending that no one has the right to give me such advise as they have no idea of my situation but the paradox of it is that most of the time, I'm actually the person seeking for that advise. I have come upon to realize that this ego-defensive mechanism of mine has been growing stronger recently and my intention of seeking for advise would usually turn out to a session where I blurt out all my problems and just not come up with any solutions. Why? It's because I'm just not willing to listen to what others have to say to me. I'm afraid of criticism, I'm too lazy to make a change and I'm too exhausted to try and find a solution to my problems. Those are the facts and I guess that to overcome the unfavorable position which I'm in, I need to firstly change my attitude. I need to speak less and listen more. What's the point of defending my own ego when it's my ego which has led to this self-destruction ?

Farhanah.

When no one understands, when no one wants to listen, that's when I realize how empty I am. How much this void hurts and how difficult it is to do something to overcome it. I realize that I have no one, no one who will be there with me all the time regardless of how much they love me. And this realization comes with so much pain for I have always thought that there are some people I can always depend on. I was wrong, for indeed human beings aren't meant to stay. They are meant to let you down, to cause you heartbreak due to your undue attachments.

Then again, is it wrong for me to be so attached to my family? I never knew that love could cause me so much pain. Or maybe, it's not love but it's selfishness and over-dependency. I can't do this for I don't know how to live without them. This pain is so overwhelming but I'm just relieved and glad that at least, I'm able to cry. He didn't take that away from me this time around. The ability for these tears to flow down my cheeks are a blessing. I just hope that He helps me wade my way through this. 

When It Gets Real

Being diagnosed with depressive symptoms and officially being diagnosed with 'clinical depression' are two very different feelings. The latter brings about feelings of denial but Alhamdulillah, being diagnosed with the symptoms before the disease eases the pain a lot. Besides denial, there's a tiny bit of relief (I guess) as what I'm feeling has finally been acknowledge and I know that I have to get due help, In shaa Allah. Please make do'a for me so that with His help, I'm able to pull myself out from diving deeper into this ocean of unwanted emotional turmoil.

Being Your Own Soulmate

Once upon a time, I never really bought the idea of having a soulmate for I found it to be 'a waste of time' looking for one. Like life had so many other priorities that I wasn't even thinking about this. Going through these difficult times have however made me feel the intense need of having someone a.k.a a soulmate by my side. I'm looking at it as a solution and oh well, that definitely ain't healthy. 

I know that I have to be my own soulmate. I have to be happy in my own skin, with the company of my own self. If I can't be happy with me, how am I supposed to expect someone who doesn't even know me to be happy by my side? It totally doesn't make sense, does it? In the end, those who you thought were your best friends, will just stop bothering about helping you through tough times as they would get tired of your actions. 

Being one's own soulmate isn't easy. The sad reality for me is that it's hard to be happy on my own. When I'm out on my own in a restaurant, I have the tendency to feel anxious all of a sudden, as if the whole world's looking at me and that just makes me so uncomfortable. Instead of just enjoying the company of myself, I end up worrying about unwanted things which are just happening in my own train of thoughts, not in reality.

At the end of the day, only Allah knows what I'm going through. Sometimes, it's just so hard to believe that He knows as He is being so silent. That's why they say, patience is virtue.

Farhanah Adam. 

When Verbal Expression Ain't Possible

When pain felt is so profound that there just aren't words to actually describe that pain. Even crying doesn't allow the pain to subside. Sometimes I wonder so hard on how to get rid of the pain and I have tried various ways but it hasn't succeeded. Instead, I only end up having bad thoughts- those that I don't have the guts to say out loud verbally as it's obviously stupid and irrational to those who are normal. However, I need to express this out in some way, to acknowledge my thoughts and feelings. Only by doing this will I be able to eventually deal with these thoughts. Honestly, I rather not think about it but pushing those thoughts away has simply aggravated the thoughts to worsen as my emotions have bottled up further.

I just feel like I can't do this whole studying abroad thing anymore. Homesickness and being away from my family is something that I can't handle. My coping mechanism has always been to lean on my family. Well, I tried for one semester and it has been horrendous though I did get through it. I just don't want to go through the whole emotional roller-coaster again. The thing is that I don't really have a choice. I have to continue my studies at the current Uni I am at for the consequences of not doing so is something I would not even want to start thinking about. It's just too late for me to back track.

This is hard to express but I haven't got over my depression issues completely. It sickens me because every time I feel pain and wounded deep inside, I keep thinking about self-harm for that's the only way for me to actually 'feel something being released'. I'm ashamed to admit that several episodes of self-harm attempts have taken place during my First Semester and I did take the initiative to meet a psychologist. But the thing is, I was told what I already knew by the psychologist and it didn't make things any better for me. I'm still afraid of myself, of my own thoughts and of the demons within me.

There's so much anger and resentment within me that I just can't seem to let go of. There questions which are at the back of my mind which have been left unanswered and it hurts more as these questions are not those that I should be asking. I have started to question God and I'm angry with Him for many reasons. I mean, how can I even have the guts to be angry with Allah when He has given me so much? I should be grateful for everything I have been blessed with but I am not. I tried telling myself, convincing myself that He is always there listening and that He has something great in store for me. I have kept on telling myself that He knows best and that in the end everything's going to be worth the struggle but the main problem is, I don't even believe in what I tell myself.

Religion and the believe in Allah has kept me going on all long but now, I'm afraid that I'm starting to lose faith. I don't like my own train of thoughts and I am starting to question so many things about my own deen. The very deen that saved me from drowning a few years back. Thoughts such as stopping prayer, taking off my hijab and not reading the Qur'an anymore has crossed my mind. I'm just so afraid right now for if He takes away the Hidayah of Islam from me, I have nothing left. I just can't seem to control my own thoughts and these thoughts existed even during the month of Ramadhan where I was free from the whispers of the Syaitan. I really have no idea on what I should do or how I should cope with all these challenges. The demons of my thoughts seems too hard to be defeated. I am scared, dead scared. Please make doa that He shows me the way through this and helps me find peace while I am in the Land Down Under. I have not felt peace for more than 2 years and I yearn for peace, the ability to be able to control my own thoughts and to find Him. I just need to truly believe in Him again. 

May this new semester turn out to be a better one for me, In shaa Allah. May I find Him in my struggles.

Farhanah Adam.

Breaking Free

One of my greatest flaws is that once I care about someone, I tend to become overly attached and I wholly invest my emotions in people. Being attached to people means that I signed up for a package that comes with disappointment and heartbreak. Not everyone is like me and that's good. However, it's hard to accept as although I may have invested so much of time and emotions on someone, they just don't bother as much about me in the end. I just turn out to be 'another friend' to them though I may consider them as my closest friend or even like my own sister.

Nevertheless, there may be people out there who care about me as much as I care about them. So, I would say that despite the heartbreak that is deemed to occur, go for it and care for people. I would rather care too much than not care at all. 

Also, intention plays a big role. Changing your intention to care for your friends to please Allah s.w.t would give your heart comfort when heartbreak is felt. You will be able to tell yourself that Allah knows best and He will reward you with what's best. To break free from attachments doesn't mean to seclude yourself and not get attached at all. Just break free from expectations and I guess that being overly attached wouldn't hurt as much as it used to. 

Farhanah Adam. 

New Found Love

Travelling. It's been the best part of uni life thus far and I have been blessed with the opportunity to go around the state of Victoria, Australia this time around. It was a beautiful 7 day journey, exploring nature as well as the city of Melbourne, with the company of friends. 

The beauty of nature witnessed with my bare eyes can't be expressed even using the best camera lens. That was how beautiful the places were, particularly the Great Ocean Road. Crossing off 'witnessing a magnificent sunset' from my bucket list was also something I managed to do during this journey and it was more significant being able to do it with some of the most precious friends I have. I am truly blessed to be able to do something that I am passionate about- travelling. I think I have learnt so much just from that 7 day journey, not only about myself but about my friends.

There was one particular incident of which touched my heart very profoundly whereby the moon was shining so brightly on the night of the 15th of Ramadhan. I felt as if Allah sent the moonlight to ensure I drove home safely as in the suburbs of Aussie, streetlights don't exist and I without the moon that night, it would have been close to impossible for me to drive home without feeling afraid. He also thought me the importance of good company during the trip through several incidents like falling down while skiing, driving with the company of friends singing and playing tricks in the car just so that I stay awake and friends who were constantly keeping up with my Whatsapp messages just to make sure that 'I'm okay'. I'm blessed, I really am and I want to be able to always remember how blessed I am. Alhamdulillah for this new found love of travelling and for seeing the rainbow after such a long stormy journey. 

Farhanah Adam. 

Friendship

'Friends are your family when you're abroad'

To me, friends have always been friends, except for the very few Sri Amanians whom I treasure and keep close to my heart. It's always been a challenge for me to make friends and maintain friendships as I hardly ever allow people to get to know me. There's this wall that I never wanted to take down after certain incidents in life took place. So, when I was told the statement above, being the egoistic person that I am, I denied it. I felt that I could survive on my own, without friends by my side but man, I was definitely wrong.

Denying the fact that I need friends is now causing me a lot of pain. As much as I try to get close to people, I find that I don't make others feel comfortable around me. To simply say it, being around me is not easy. I have my mood swings that my friends have to deal with and when I'm moody, I can be extremely sarcastic. 

To see how beautiful friendship bonds are between some people makes me feel really sad and upset about myself. Oh well, it was a decision I made and I have to live with it, I guess. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and just be myself with everyone but it ain't possible. So, live with the decisions I have made and change for the better is the way forward.

Farhanah Adam. 

Embracing Pain

The phase of growing up comes with a price to it. Heartache is one of those immense pain that I have felt these past few years but it has undoubtedly thought me a lot about myself and made me stronger. At the beginning of the time of which I felt the pain, I did not want to admit it. I felt as if I was 'too strong' to go through such pain that's caused by mankind and that no one could have such an impact to make me feel immense pain. Well, I was definitely wrong to think in that manner and it didn't help at all. It only made things worse as I did not do the first thing that's necessary to be done when one's feeling hurt- to validate that very feeling.

Now that I have finally accepted my vulnerability and come to terms with it, I feel as if a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Admitting that I'm weak and that I'm in pain has made me stronger to move on. Though it's been a challenge, it has been a lot easier. I now wonder why I didn't embrace the pain earlier and the answer is fear. I allowed it to consume my thoughts, emotions and feelings. The power of fear is tremendous and it's been more than 2 years since it has held me back from embracing pain. Paradoxically, Alhamdulillah, I'm now glad that I have finally embraced the pain.

'Pain demands to be felt'

Farhanah Adam.

Of Letting Go

Letting Go,

Two words,

Carrying a burden,

As great as the snowy mountains.

Letting Go,

A concept so complex,

And I bet that right now, 

That song's playing in your head.

(this is so random)

Letting Go,

It just revolves around everything,

From relationships to school grades,

From the best to worse memories.

Letting Go,

Why is it so hard?

Why do we hold on so tight?

Why do we fear letting go?

Letting Go,

It was never meant to be easy,

As that's the ultimate test for creation,

To let go and have faith.

Alright, back to studying!

Farhanah Adam.

Not Even the Mid-Way Slump

It's only the third day of Ramadhan and I'm already feeling completely worn-out, exhausted and tired of myself. I don't know why I expected Ramadhan to be different. For me to just be okay and to not feel all those mixed emotions, having unwanted thoughts and so on. It's maybe due to the fact that Syaitan is tied up during Ramadhan, I thought that everything was going to be 'perfect'. The truth is, it's me who is the actual problem. It's me who has to change. I'm exhausted and I'm tired of trying to change for I don't know what's the root cause of my issues.

Letting go of the past is such a huge burden for me. Then, I should probably move on right? The problem is, each time I try to move on, fear of what may happen due to the past haunts me. Everyone tells me to be happy by simply thinking about happy things. It's not that easy though I wish it was. I hate having feelings and emotions as they are like waves which hit hard and I just drown within them. I'm worn out, Ya Allah. I just don't think life's worth living but I know it's wrong to think this way. Forgive me for I'm ungrateful but only You truly know what I'm going through.

Farhanah Adam.

Education

I always had the perception that university life would be totally different, in an enchanting way. Adults who are in their 50-s and those in my grandparents' era, have told me countless times that university days were the best times of their lives. Those were their carefree days where they just had to attend classes, study for exams and the rest of the time was to be enjoyed with friends. They always told me that learning was a joy to them, not a burden. I never heard them ever using the word 'stress' to describe university life. So, before embarking upon my new journey of uni life 3 months ago, I held on to this perception, forgetting that times have changed and that we now live in a fast-paced world.

When I started uni 3 months back, I was eager to learn and to take in knowledge, to appreciate its value and to be able to smile, knowing that I have learnt something new and precious. Well, I must say that having the positive mindset to start my university journey was definitely a plus point but it didn't last me long. I think that no matter which part of the world one is studying today, there is immense pressure being placed on students, focusing on the 'outcome and results' instead of the journey. I'm sure that I'm not the only one who has to go through sleepless nights having to stay up to complete assignments, study for quizzes and to simply finish weekly homework or readings. Sometimes I question is it's my time management skills that are terrible. I would say that even if I have a slightly more 'disciplined' lifestyle, I could probably only get 20% more of the work done without having to stay up.

I feel as if I have been deceived when it comes to understanding the true meaning of education. I don't mind working hard, really. In fact, I know that working hard is essential but it should be for the knowledge. But doesn't everything have their own limits? How is someone like me who suffers from migraine and epilepsy (disabilities that will be triggered due to stress or lack of sleep), supposed to deal with education? Do I really have to sacrifice my health and take in the extra pills, suffer from having migraine but still needing to stay up with that pain to complete the pile of work awaiting me? I guess the only answer is yes, I have to. The world doesn't give in to disabilities. I'm meant to deal with it and I know that what I'm facing is trivial compared to other people who have it worst. I'm struggling to love education, to enjoy learning in this system which only aims to produce students with great grades and not educate them for the knowledge. Forgive me if my perceptions are distorted and negative. I hope that at one point during my 3 years of education, it will change.

Farhanah Adam.

Are you alright?

Sometimes, all we need to hear are those three words, or any other phrases which mean the same thing.  It does hurt when people assume that we are doing just fine when the whole world seems to be crumbling (exaggeration much). The message I would like to convey is that if you see someone who is going through a tough day, it wouldn't hurt to just utter those three words, would it?

That's the beauty of living here in Australia. People always make it a point to ask 'How r ya?'. It's more like a culture embedded in the people here and apparently, you are expected to always say 'I'm great' but oh well, that's kind of good as you have to force yourself to smile and be okay just for that moment, at least!

Okayy, back to my assignments! :)

Farhanah Adam.

The Power of Believing

The day didn't go as planned. I woke up later than I was supposed to and I felt extremely sick. The same thought of 'Urghh... Another Day!' crossed my mind. I got out of bed and saw the pile of work lying on my study table. The thought of having to complete all that made me feel even worse.

As usual, I switched on You Tube and looked for some music to accompany me while completing the mundane assignments. Lately, this video of Humood AlKhudher singing 'Kun Anta' has been going around and I decided to check it out only to come about this amazing video of which its lyrics were soothing to my heart. It's called, Aseer Ahsan by Humood AlKhudher. A part of the lyrics are as follows:

Yes, I'll be better

Nothing can stop me

As long as I'm alive

I'll do what I've to do

I'm not afraid, I won't stand still

I'm moving ahead, my heart's my guide

I own the cure for the challenge

Even in the hardest and most painful situations

The song's in Arabic but it really made an impact on me as I've been listening to it all day, alternating it with other songs of course. It's as if I'm telling myself countless times that I will get better and well, you are what you tell yourself. Anyway, here's the song to those who would like to check it out! Trust me, even if you don't understand Arabic, the lyrics are simply beautiful :)

Farhanah Adam.

Whatever You Deem It Is

Getting up everyday, asking myself 'Why am I still alive?' is indeed a crazy thought to have. Everyone I know has been telling me that I have to be grateful to live another day, for Allah has given me the chance to be a better person and to recover from whatever situation that I'm currently in. They have told me countless times that I have to be strong and I have to keep going for indeed, the end is going to be worth it. That Allah loves me and through this, He will expiate my sins. That one day, I will finally understand why Allah placed me in such a difficult situation.

I understand where everyone's coming from. They are asking me to have Faith in Allah, to believe that there's good in everything, just like the hadith of the prophet which states that there's good in every affair of a believer. They are all telling me to believe in His promise.

Alhamdulillah, I believe in everything that has been said. I know that Allah's promise is true. I know that. It's just that when things become so hard, when getting out of bed becomes a chore, when living itself is a chore of its own, how am I suppose to 'keep going'? How am I to smile and to stay happy for I can't even feel grateful for the many things I have been blessed with? Despite knowing that I have so much to be thankful for, I just can't see the positives in life and feel happy. It's as if my emotions are numb to feel joy. It's only sadness that I often feel. Thoughts of ending my life conquer my mind but thanks to Islam, I know that only He has the right to do so. Only He can take away life from me. I know it's a morbid thought to have and that I should never think this way, but I can't seem to have a sense of control of my own mind.

Despite all that I have said above, I'm still alive right now, staring at this blank page and thinking about 'Why Am I Here?'. Again, I know that the ultimate reason is to worship Him and to live my life in order to attain His blessings. Then again, this whole concept is so difficult to truly be practiced. As a first year student studying abroad with numerous challenges in my way, I have tried enjoying my studies and living the 'robotic' life of getting up, going to Uni, performing my 5 daily prayers, studying through the night, keeping myself entertained through the social media and reading, I just feel myself questioning my existence time and time again. It's as if I'm currently doing what I'm doing because I don't have a choice to do anything else and simply because at the age of 20, it's a requirement to attain a degree. Don't get me wrong, I really used to love studying and gaining knowledge but with the hectic schedule of uni life, this whole ideology I had about studying for the sake of knowledge has been ruined.

And, I find myself thinking this: 'If I were to die today, would that make a difference at all, really?'. Well, maybe my friends and family would mourn over my death for a few days or weeks at most, but after that? I will be forgotten. And even if I place this situation in terms of how Allah would evaluate me, I don't think I'm worthy of His Jannah, really. For all I have done is complain about His blessings.

I want to be defined more than my grades, more than the uni I am in, more than which scholarship I am under, which country I'm studying in and I want to be defined more than the degree I will eventually attain. I want to feel that it's okay to feel sluggish and to feel that life it's worthless but use to use that morbid thought as a source of motivation to get back up and to search for my true meaning of existence. 

I know that a huge part of my current state is my inability to let go of my past fears and to just move on with life. I have been restricting myself to too many things I wanted to do such as blogging about mental health, considering that the society may end up judging me. But in the end, when I suffer, it comes back to me and Allah. Society can only support with their comforting words. I can't deny that I'm feeling completely horrible today but then again, I have responsibilities which consists of assignments piling up to be completed. I now see it as a burden because I have deadlines and I don't even have time for myself. Every single day of the week is devoted to work, work and more work but I have to admit that my time management skills aren't admirable, either. I often succumb to wander where is the old me, who had the determination and drive, the passion and that fire to do well in my studies? Though I do wish that I had that girl back, I sometimes reflect and realize that it's better that she isn't around anymore for at that point of her life, studies was all that mattered to her. Now, she has to search for her true meaning of existence and ensure that she doesn't fall into the trap of the modern world.

Well, I honestly don't know what was the exact message I was trying to deliver through this but I do feel slightly better for indirectly, I have expressed my gratitude towards Him (i think).

Farhanah Adam.

I Love You

These 3 words can make such an impact when uttered. But I honestly feel that they are simply overrated. How can you say that you love someone you just met? To me, the only people whom I could utter these words to with full sincerity are to my parents, closest family members and to my best friends. Love is subjective, I agree and I am no one to question this. It just gets to me quite a bit when these words are used so easily. Well, maybe my perspective is too pessimistic but I for one believe that one must mean every word being uttered. Don't say things for the sake of saying them.

Anyway, with that being said, I feel that these same three words have such a profound effect on an individual's self-esteem. To feel that no one loves you and that you don't deserve to be loved can be very demotivating and depressing. And, these 3 words are definitely to be blamed as the society's perception of love has become so distorted that this feeling has become a common one. It's about time I change my attitude towards how these 3 words are going to affect me.

I guess that it has got to start from asking myself- 'So what if everyone doesn't love me? After all, those who matter to me isn't everyone. Allah and my parents love me'.  It's also important for me to start loving myself. In Islam, we have been thought to love Allah above everything else in this world. I have this sudden awakening that in order to fall in love with Allah, you have got to love yourself- the creation that you are closest to. By going through a journey of self-discovery, I guess that one will learn to love himself/ herself which will eventually lead to loving Allah s.w.t- the Creator.

Also, a lot of us are too busy searching for love elsewhere and waiting for those 3 words to be 'sincerely' uttered to us. That's when we end up going through heartbreaks and disappointments because after all, those who will unconditionally love us are none other than our parents and our Creator. So why not make a change? Don't let these 3 words affect you. Change those words to 'I Love ME' and utter it to yourself daily. The hardest thing to do is again, to believe the words that you are telling to yourself. To do that requires a process - to make yourself worthy of your own love and I guess that it comes back to your definition and perspective about love.

To me, this process of loving oneself falls back to Islam, the ultimate way of life- according to the Sunnah of Rasulullah. It's definitely not easy but it ain't impossible to exemplify Rasulullah's way of life. Change takes time and it requires persistence. Having that sheer determination and persistence to change one's lifestyle itself will help one to fall in love with themselves. I haven't tried it but I guess that 'Life begins with realization' and I'm glad that I have realized that I have to stop allowing the distorted view of love to affect me.

Let's stop chasing everyone's love and start loving ourselves. Let's wake up everyday with a smile and utter to ourselves, 'I love ME'.

Man's Greatest Enemy

Bravery is subjective and to each person, it's definition may differ. Often times, 'great actions' such as those presented in Superhero movies are deemed as brave and the so called 'smaller actions' are overlooked.

To me, to be brave means to face your fears. I feel that as human beings, we tend to take this act of bravery for granted and not acknowledge those who have managed to overcome their fears. Some fears that other people face may sound irrational to us. Hence, we are prone to react in a negative manner when someone expresses their fears. Unknowingly, we may hurt them and make them feel more inferior by passing statements such as, "Grow up! It's nothing". 

Well, I have to admit that I have passed such remarks before as a joke, without realizing the impact that it may have on someone. It's only now that I realized how wrong I was in doing so as at the end of the day, no two people are the same. We are all unique, with different fears, some which may seem trivial to others but big in our eyes.

Fear is man's greatest enemy and it requires a lot of courage to face them head on. If not dealt with, fear would eat you up and prevent you from pursuing your dreams. Fear is also a game of the mind, a psychological battle. Each time you're afraid, ask yourself why and write down those reasons. You will realize that some of the reasons are irrational but nonetheless, you're still afraid. Then, figure out how and when you developed the fear. Once you have all this written down, you will be able to put things into perspective and facing those fears would be a lot easier.

However, let me tell you that it also takes a lot of courage and bravery to be honest with yourself in answering those 'whys and hows'. As human beings, we all have an ego-defensive mechanism to protect ourselves from being hurt and from facing reality. Thus, it takes courage to break our ego and to tell ourselves the truth. Once you are able to do this, half the battle of facing your fear is over.

The 2nd half of the battle involves action- to face your fears. Depending on circumstances and the magnitude of the fear to the individual, one has to decide on how to face those fears. Taking small steps at a time would help but let's just say that you're afraid of doing something that would only come once in a lifetime. Are you going to let that opportunity to slip away just because of your fear? Are you going to allow fear to take charge or are you going to take charge? Consider all the repercussions of the decision you are about to make. Think wisely. 

10 years down the road when you look back, are you going to regret the decision you made to not face your fears? Also, during this period of confronting your fears, just think about "what's the worst hat could happen if I were to do this?". It's important for your answers to be rational and it would be best to get those closest to you to evaluate it. By doing this, you will be prepared for the worst and at the same time, you will be more optimistic as most probably, your 'wild imagination' of the worse ase scenario would be irrational.

My father once told me this: 'You will not know your true potential until you're challenged'. Fear is your enemy and it's challenging you, acting as a barrier from self-discovery and from allowing you to believe in yourself. Knowing this, you have to gather all the courage and bravery in you to face it. The only way to get rid of your fear is to face it!

Trust me, once you have overcome your fears, you will feel a sense of liberation. You are finally free from those chains of fear that bounded you from doing things that you have always wanted to do. As for myself, only after confronting some of my fears, I could finally digest my father's words: "Only the sky and destiny is your limit. Don't let anything else stop you".

Be brave and face your fears!

Beyond Comprehension

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
"In the name of Allah, the Kindest and Most Merciful"

Upon typing the translation of the verse that I would usually recite countless times daily, the depth of its meaning just struck me. Reading this means that I believe and acknowledge that Allah is the Kindest and Most Merciful. Subhanallah, Allah really does have a way of showing His blessings and signs to His weak servants who are often blinded by their own ego and 'rational' thinking. This brings me to the topic of discussion which would highlight on one of my humble experiences during a Journey which I have no means of comprehending His plans for me.

Umrah. When someone tells you that they just returned from this spiritual journey of love, as a Muslim, one would generally assume that this journey was an awakening and enlightening process for the individual. Well, obviously Man! You're in the House of Allah and the Mosque of Rasulullah s.a.w. I mean, how can you not feel His love and feel closer to Him like never before?

The only answer I have to this is that Allah has decreed different experiences for different individuals which means that this pre-assumption is not necessarily true. Umrah can be a beautiful journey for some and it can also be a test for others. Yes, you didn't read that wrongly. A test. That was exactly what I experienced and honestly, I was really angry and frustrated with how circumstances were on my end as I felt that Allah was being unfair. I felt that there was no two ways about Umrah- that it had to be a spiritual journey of worship to Allah and I would experience the sweetness of Iman through it. I was entirely wrong about this and the root of my frustration was that I forgot Allah's command in Surah Al-Baqarah:

"And it may be that you dislike a thing while it is good for you, and it may be that you love a thing while it is evil for you, and Allah knows, while you do not know" (2:216)

It's been two weeks since I returned from Umrah and only now, I'm starting to realize how wrong I was in the way I perceived things. I will never be able to fully understand the 'logic' behind His plans despite my 'rational' thinking because He is the best of planners and sometimes, His plans are just not meant to be understood by us, humans.

"But they plan, and Allah plans. And Allah is the Best of planners" (8:30)

With that said, I must always believe in this and looking back, the hikmah behind His plans are slowly prevailing. My awakening was different as it is slowly happening now, I guess. Though it is taking a toll on my Iman, I now realize that Allah has His own ways of showing me the right path, In shaa Allah. Going to the mosque today and hearing the Imam recite al-Fatihah so beautifully almost made me cry. I don't think I would have appreciated Jemaah prayers in a Mosque this much if not for the test that Allah had put me through during my Journey in the Holy Land. Valuable lessons have been learnt through my Umrah trip and only now, I am able to see things. Alhamdulillah, better late than never! :)

One of the most crucial lesson learnt was that in performing any actions, intention (niat) is crucial. Before going for Umrah, I was so hyped up about having the opportunity to be close to Allah, to pray and worship Him as I wanted to feel the sweetness of Iman. I'm not saying that it's wrong to think this way but my ultimate intention of going for Umrah should have been not for me but for the sake of pleasing Allah and attaining his redha.

I now know my mistake and this deviation of my intention might have been the root cause of the emptiness that I have & still am feeling for the past 2 years or so. I was always hunting for that 'sweetness of Iman' in my Ibadah, forgetting the ultimate purpose which is His blessings. I think it's human nature to chase for feelings as it is more concrete than His blessings because how do you know that Allah is pleased with you, right? This experience was an eye opener and In shaa Allah, after this, I have to remember to perform my Ibadah for Allah's sake (memburu keredhaan-Nya). I think with this intention in heart, the sweetness of Iman would be a reward from Him.

I know that the journey is not going to be easy, but it was never meant to be easy. Recently, I have been feeling so down, feeling as though I'm losing faith and even fardhu prayers seems such a chore to me. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way so it's about time I start fighting against my own demons. I should be thankful that despite that laziness to pray, Allah has not forsaken me and He still chooses me to perform my prayers. It's that little spark of Iman and fear towards Allah that is still keeping me going, Alhamdulillah.

To end this humble piece of writing, allow me to quote Yasmin Mogahed:
"When your Iman is low, don't let it go"

Farhanah Adam.