When Verbal Expression Ain't Possible

When pain felt is so profound that there just aren't words to actually describe that pain. Even crying doesn't allow the pain to subside. Sometimes I wonder so hard on how to get rid of the pain and I have tried various ways but it hasn't succeeded. Instead, I only end up having bad thoughts- those that I don't have the guts to say out loud verbally as it's obviously stupid and irrational to those who are normal. However, I need to express this out in some way, to acknowledge my thoughts and feelings. Only by doing this will I be able to eventually deal with these thoughts. Honestly, I rather not think about it but pushing those thoughts away has simply aggravated the thoughts to worsen as my emotions have bottled up further.

I just feel like I can't do this whole studying abroad thing anymore. Homesickness and being away from my family is something that I can't handle. My coping mechanism has always been to lean on my family. Well, I tried for one semester and it has been horrendous though I did get through it. I just don't want to go through the whole emotional roller-coaster again. The thing is that I don't really have a choice. I have to continue my studies at the current Uni I am at for the consequences of not doing so is something I would not even want to start thinking about. It's just too late for me to back track.

This is hard to express but I haven't got over my depression issues completely. It sickens me because every time I feel pain and wounded deep inside, I keep thinking about self-harm for that's the only way for me to actually 'feel something being released'. I'm ashamed to admit that several episodes of self-harm attempts have taken place during my First Semester and I did take the initiative to meet a psychologist. But the thing is, I was told what I already knew by the psychologist and it didn't make things any better for me. I'm still afraid of myself, of my own thoughts and of the demons within me.

There's so much anger and resentment within me that I just can't seem to let go of. There questions which are at the back of my mind which have been left unanswered and it hurts more as these questions are not those that I should be asking. I have started to question God and I'm angry with Him for many reasons. I mean, how can I even have the guts to be angry with Allah when He has given me so much? I should be grateful for everything I have been blessed with but I am not. I tried telling myself, convincing myself that He is always there listening and that He has something great in store for me. I have kept on telling myself that He knows best and that in the end everything's going to be worth the struggle but the main problem is, I don't even believe in what I tell myself.

Religion and the believe in Allah has kept me going on all long but now, I'm afraid that I'm starting to lose faith. I don't like my own train of thoughts and I am starting to question so many things about my own deen. The very deen that saved me from drowning a few years back. Thoughts such as stopping prayer, taking off my hijab and not reading the Qur'an anymore has crossed my mind. I'm just so afraid right now for if He takes away the Hidayah of Islam from me, I have nothing left. I just can't seem to control my own thoughts and these thoughts existed even during the month of Ramadhan where I was free from the whispers of the Syaitan. I really have no idea on what I should do or how I should cope with all these challenges. The demons of my thoughts seems too hard to be defeated. I am scared, dead scared. Please make doa that He shows me the way through this and helps me find peace while I am in the Land Down Under. I have not felt peace for more than 2 years and I yearn for peace, the ability to be able to control my own thoughts and to find Him. I just need to truly believe in Him again. 

May this new semester turn out to be a better one for me, In shaa Allah. May I find Him in my struggles.

Farhanah Adam.