I don't know about you but there have been times of which I loathe myself so much whereby I feel utterly worthless. It's like I come to a point where I start asking 'apa guna aku kat dunia ni?'. It's as if my existence just brings about pain to other people and that my presence doesn't mean anything to anyone, not even myself. Well, I haven't found anything to soothe my soul and comfort it by rebutting the matter stated above. 

However, to just know that even if I hate myself, there's Allah who loves me is so comforting. Despite how cruel I am to myself, He has always saved me. Just when I thought no one gave a shit about me, He showed His love and mercy upon me. And what makes it even more mind-blowing is the fact that He didn't send anyone to make me feel loved. He showed it to me- directly. O Allah, make this heart fall in love with you, the Only One who will always stay. 

I'm okay now, O Allah. Thank you for loving me at my worst. #thepoweroflove

Yours truly,

Farhanah.

It May Not Be The Best

Often times,  when unexpected things happen and when circumstances don't favor what we seem to be ideal, it is normal to receive advise saying that 'yknow what, maybe that's not what's best for you. Allah knows best'. As a recipient of such advise, one of the many things that would go through my mind upon listening to that phrase is 'I know... But you have no idea what I'm currently going through'.

I guess that in all of us, there's this ego-defensive mechanism that arises every time we receive advise or criticism (well, I speak for myself but I believe that I'm not the only one). For me, there's always this need of defending that no one has the right to give me such advise as they have no idea of my situation but the paradox of it is that most of the time, I'm actually the person seeking for that advise. I have come upon to realize that this ego-defensive mechanism of mine has been growing stronger recently and my intention of seeking for advise would usually turn out to a session where I blurt out all my problems and just not come up with any solutions. Why? It's because I'm just not willing to listen to what others have to say to me. I'm afraid of criticism, I'm too lazy to make a change and I'm too exhausted to try and find a solution to my problems. Those are the facts and I guess that to overcome the unfavorable position which I'm in, I need to firstly change my attitude. I need to speak less and listen more. What's the point of defending my own ego when it's my ego which has led to this self-destruction ?

Farhanah.