You have been through a long day but hey, Alhamdulillah today seems to be better that yesterday. It depends on perspective. Well, when I say better from your point of view, it would probably mean that you're happier today but that's not exactly the case. Today's better because you pushed yourself hard. You mustered up all the energy you had to get the Arabic video done in the morning and although there were nasty thoughts in your mind, it mellowed down a little.
You couldn't do much thereafter and you were frightened of how aggressive you felt but that's okay. You slept and you got through it. Yes, you did smash your smartphone to the floor (again- for the 3rd time) and it shattered the screen but that's better than cutting yourself, isn't it? You then went through the 20 minute lecture with your aunt over the phone without losing your cool and I think that's something you should be proud of. You realized that the reason she called was because she cares about how you are doing and that's the best way she knows to help you. I know how you felt like telling her to stop giving you advise for something that she has never been through but you didn't and you should really be proud of that.
You have also been writing a lot on Facebook, exposing the most vulnerable parts of you and letting unknown people into your life. I understand that it's scary to do so because you have been, are and will be let down by many people in your life. You are afraid but your attempt of writing shows that you are trying your best to overcome this fear. You must realize that your expectations aren't too high but you have to realize that not everyone is going to meet them. If they don't, it's an indication for you to let them go unless they really do mean something to you. And when I say "mean something", my definition here would be people whom are your family or whom you consider as family. Otherwise, let them go for they are just toxic in your life.
You have made plans in your head- things that you feel would probably help you to get through this tough time. You are hesitant of putting them down into words as you feel that you would get disappointed and feel like a failure if you don't execute them. Well, Farhanah, you have to accept that everyday has its ups and downs. Half of today was miserable for you but now that you're feeling slightly energized, the next half may be better. You just have to believe that it could and will get better. I know optimism is hard right now, but you got to try. Please don't be mad at me for telling you to be 'optimistic' for the optimism here is not the same definition as what everyone may seem to imply. All I'm saying is to have faith, I guess. He allowed you to feel that you have the potential to get better so that's something to smile about today.
So, now, let's list down the plans you had in your head. Even if you can't carry out all of them, just doing one would do. I know you aren't convinced of this idea but let's just write them down, alright?
- Teach kids at the Refugee Centre at Serdang. (I'm scared because I feel like it's quite a distance to travel to Serdang on my own and I can't bear the thought of being with my own mind outside home for that long a period. I'm worried that I may get a panic attack or suddenly cry. Also, how if I lose my way?)
- Learn kickboxing on Saturdays. (I can't do this alone)
- Read the Qur'an in a way that I've never done before. To actually reflect upon the meaning and journalize on what those verses mean to me. (If I just do this and not go out of the house, I'm worried that isolation would make things worse. I may be okay now but what would happen when I return to Australia? Would things return the same way again?)
- Learn Arabic online via Bayyinah TV. (Same worries about isolation)
Okay, I'm done with this.