Not Even the Mid-Way Slump

It's only the third day of Ramadhan and I'm already feeling completely worn-out, exhausted and tired of myself. I don't know why I expected Ramadhan to be different. For me to just be okay and to not feel all those mixed emotions, having unwanted thoughts and so on. It's maybe due to the fact that Syaitan is tied up during Ramadhan, I thought that everything was going to be 'perfect'. The truth is, it's me who is the actual problem. It's me who has to change. I'm exhausted and I'm tired of trying to change for I don't know what's the root cause of my issues.

Letting go of the past is such a huge burden for me. Then, I should probably move on right? The problem is, each time I try to move on, fear of what may happen due to the past haunts me. Everyone tells me to be happy by simply thinking about happy things. It's not that easy though I wish it was. I hate having feelings and emotions as they are like waves which hit hard and I just drown within them. I'm worn out, Ya Allah. I just don't think life's worth living but I know it's wrong to think this way. Forgive me for I'm ungrateful but only You truly know what I'm going through.

Farhanah Adam.