"In the name of Allah, the Kindest and Most Merciful"
Upon typing the translation of the verse that I would usually recite countless times daily, the depth of its meaning just struck me. Reading this means that I believe and acknowledge that Allah is the Kindest and Most Merciful. Subhanallah, Allah really does have a way of showing His blessings and signs to His weak servants who are often blinded by their own ego and 'rational' thinking. This brings me to the topic of discussion which would highlight on one of my humble experiences during a Journey which I have no means of comprehending His plans for me.
Umrah. When someone tells you that they just returned from this spiritual journey of love, as a Muslim, one would generally assume that this journey was an awakening and enlightening process for the individual. Well, obviously Man! You're in the House of Allah and the Mosque of Rasulullah s.a.w. I mean, how can you not feel His love and feel closer to Him like never before?
The only answer I have to this is that Allah has decreed different experiences for different individuals which means that this pre-assumption is not necessarily true. Umrah can be a beautiful journey for some and it can also be a test for others. Yes, you didn't read that wrongly. A test. That was exactly what I experienced and honestly, I was really angry and frustrated with how circumstances were on my end as I felt that Allah was being unfair. I felt that there was no two ways about Umrah- that it had to be a spiritual journey of worship to Allah and I would experience the sweetness of Iman through it. I was entirely wrong about this and the root of my frustration was that I forgot Allah's command in Surah Al-Baqarah:
"And it may be that you dislike a thing while it is good for you, and it may be that you love a thing while it is evil for you, and Allah knows, while you do not know" (2:216)
It's been two weeks since I returned from Umrah and only now, I'm starting to realize how wrong I was in the way I perceived things. I will never be able to fully understand the 'logic' behind His plans despite my 'rational' thinking because He is the best of planners and sometimes, His plans are just not meant to be understood by us, humans.
"But they plan, and Allah plans. And Allah is the Best of planners" (8:30)
With that said, I must always believe in this and looking back, the hikmah behind His plans are slowly prevailing. My awakening was different as it is slowly happening now, I guess. Though it is taking a toll on my Iman, I now realize that Allah has His own ways of showing me the right path, In shaa Allah. Going to the mosque today and hearing the Imam recite al-Fatihah so beautifully almost made me cry. I don't think I would have appreciated Jemaah prayers in a Mosque this much if not for the test that Allah had put me through during my Journey in the Holy Land. Valuable lessons have been learnt through my Umrah trip and only now, I am able to see things. Alhamdulillah, better late than never! :)
One of the most crucial lesson learnt was that in performing any actions, intention (niat) is crucial. Before going for Umrah, I was so hyped up about having the opportunity to be close to Allah, to pray and worship Him as I wanted to feel the sweetness of Iman. I'm not saying that it's wrong to think this way but my ultimate intention of going for Umrah should have been not for me but for the sake of pleasing Allah and attaining his redha.
I now know my mistake and this deviation of my intention might have been the root cause of the emptiness that I have & still am feeling for the past 2 years or so. I was always hunting for that 'sweetness of Iman' in my Ibadah, forgetting the ultimate purpose which is His blessings. I think it's human nature to chase for feelings as it is more concrete than His blessings because how do you know that Allah is pleased with you, right? This experience was an eye opener and In shaa Allah, after this, I have to remember to perform my Ibadah for Allah's sake (memburu keredhaan-Nya). I think with this intention in heart, the sweetness of Iman would be a reward from Him.
I know that the journey is not going to be easy, but it was never meant to be easy. Recently, I have been feeling so down, feeling as though I'm losing faith and even fardhu prayers seems such a chore to me. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way so it's about time I start fighting against my own demons. I should be thankful that despite that laziness to pray, Allah has not forsaken me and He still chooses me to perform my prayers. It's that little spark of Iman and fear towards Allah that is still keeping me going, Alhamdulillah.
To end this humble piece of writing, allow me to quote Yasmin Mogahed:
"When your Iman is low, don't let it go"
Farhanah Adam.
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