Sometimes you think that you have got things figured out. 

Like you feel that everything is going to get better.

Then, something just snaps and you realize that you were wrong.

You don't have control over ANYTHING.

Only He has the ultimate power.

He will make you snap as He loves you. 

He wants you to remember Him and return to Him.

But that doesn't mean you don't try to make things okay.

You have to try the best you can.

One day you will be okay, the next day you may flop.

But hey, that's life. Chin up, make do'a and carry on :)

I don't know about you but there have been times of which I loathe myself so much whereby I feel utterly worthless. It's like I come to a point where I start asking 'apa guna aku kat dunia ni?'. It's as if my existence just brings about pain to other people and that my presence doesn't mean anything to anyone, not even myself. Well, I haven't found anything to soothe my soul and comfort it by rebutting the matter stated above. 

However, to just know that even if I hate myself, there's Allah who loves me is so comforting. Despite how cruel I am to myself, He has always saved me. Just when I thought no one gave a shit about me, He showed His love and mercy upon me. And what makes it even more mind-blowing is the fact that He didn't send anyone to make me feel loved. He showed it to me- directly. O Allah, make this heart fall in love with you, the Only One who will always stay. 

I'm okay now, O Allah. Thank you for loving me at my worst. #thepoweroflove

Yours truly,

Farhanah.

It May Not Be The Best

Often times,  when unexpected things happen and when circumstances don't favor what we seem to be ideal, it is normal to receive advise saying that 'yknow what, maybe that's not what's best for you. Allah knows best'. As a recipient of such advise, one of the many things that would go through my mind upon listening to that phrase is 'I know... But you have no idea what I'm currently going through'.

I guess that in all of us, there's this ego-defensive mechanism that arises every time we receive advise or criticism (well, I speak for myself but I believe that I'm not the only one). For me, there's always this need of defending that no one has the right to give me such advise as they have no idea of my situation but the paradox of it is that most of the time, I'm actually the person seeking for that advise. I have come upon to realize that this ego-defensive mechanism of mine has been growing stronger recently and my intention of seeking for advise would usually turn out to a session where I blurt out all my problems and just not come up with any solutions. Why? It's because I'm just not willing to listen to what others have to say to me. I'm afraid of criticism, I'm too lazy to make a change and I'm too exhausted to try and find a solution to my problems. Those are the facts and I guess that to overcome the unfavorable position which I'm in, I need to firstly change my attitude. I need to speak less and listen more. What's the point of defending my own ego when it's my ego which has led to this self-destruction ?

Farhanah.

When no one understands, when no one wants to listen, that's when I realize how empty I am. How much this void hurts and how difficult it is to do something to overcome it. I realize that I have no one, no one who will be there with me all the time regardless of how much they love me. And this realization comes with so much pain for I have always thought that there are some people I can always depend on. I was wrong, for indeed human beings aren't meant to stay. They are meant to let you down, to cause you heartbreak due to your undue attachments.

Then again, is it wrong for me to be so attached to my family? I never knew that love could cause me so much pain. Or maybe, it's not love but it's selfishness and over-dependency. I can't do this for I don't know how to live without them. This pain is so overwhelming but I'm just relieved and glad that at least, I'm able to cry. He didn't take that away from me this time around. The ability for these tears to flow down my cheeks are a blessing. I just hope that He helps me wade my way through this. 

When It Gets Real

Being diagnosed with depressive symptoms and officially being diagnosed with 'clinical depression' are two very different feelings. The latter brings about feelings of denial but Alhamdulillah, being diagnosed with the symptoms before the disease eases the pain a lot. Besides denial, there's a tiny bit of relief (I guess) as what I'm feeling has finally been acknowledge and I know that I have to get due help, In shaa Allah. Please make do'a for me so that with His help, I'm able to pull myself out from diving deeper into this ocean of unwanted emotional turmoil.

Being Your Own Soulmate

Once upon a time, I never really bought the idea of having a soulmate for I found it to be 'a waste of time' looking for one. Like life had so many other priorities that I wasn't even thinking about this. Going through these difficult times have however made me feel the intense need of having someone a.k.a a soulmate by my side. I'm looking at it as a solution and oh well, that definitely ain't healthy. 

I know that I have to be my own soulmate. I have to be happy in my own skin, with the company of my own self. If I can't be happy with me, how am I supposed to expect someone who doesn't even know me to be happy by my side? It totally doesn't make sense, does it? In the end, those who you thought were your best friends, will just stop bothering about helping you through tough times as they would get tired of your actions. 

Being one's own soulmate isn't easy. The sad reality for me is that it's hard to be happy on my own. When I'm out on my own in a restaurant, I have the tendency to feel anxious all of a sudden, as if the whole world's looking at me and that just makes me so uncomfortable. Instead of just enjoying the company of myself, I end up worrying about unwanted things which are just happening in my own train of thoughts, not in reality.

At the end of the day, only Allah knows what I'm going through. Sometimes, it's just so hard to believe that He knows as He is being so silent. That's why they say, patience is virtue.

Farhanah Adam. 

When Verbal Expression Ain't Possible

When pain felt is so profound that there just aren't words to actually describe that pain. Even crying doesn't allow the pain to subside. Sometimes I wonder so hard on how to get rid of the pain and I have tried various ways but it hasn't succeeded. Instead, I only end up having bad thoughts- those that I don't have the guts to say out loud verbally as it's obviously stupid and irrational to those who are normal. However, I need to express this out in some way, to acknowledge my thoughts and feelings. Only by doing this will I be able to eventually deal with these thoughts. Honestly, I rather not think about it but pushing those thoughts away has simply aggravated the thoughts to worsen as my emotions have bottled up further.

I just feel like I can't do this whole studying abroad thing anymore. Homesickness and being away from my family is something that I can't handle. My coping mechanism has always been to lean on my family. Well, I tried for one semester and it has been horrendous though I did get through it. I just don't want to go through the whole emotional roller-coaster again. The thing is that I don't really have a choice. I have to continue my studies at the current Uni I am at for the consequences of not doing so is something I would not even want to start thinking about. It's just too late for me to back track.

This is hard to express but I haven't got over my depression issues completely. It sickens me because every time I feel pain and wounded deep inside, I keep thinking about self-harm for that's the only way for me to actually 'feel something being released'. I'm ashamed to admit that several episodes of self-harm attempts have taken place during my First Semester and I did take the initiative to meet a psychologist. But the thing is, I was told what I already knew by the psychologist and it didn't make things any better for me. I'm still afraid of myself, of my own thoughts and of the demons within me.

There's so much anger and resentment within me that I just can't seem to let go of. There questions which are at the back of my mind which have been left unanswered and it hurts more as these questions are not those that I should be asking. I have started to question God and I'm angry with Him for many reasons. I mean, how can I even have the guts to be angry with Allah when He has given me so much? I should be grateful for everything I have been blessed with but I am not. I tried telling myself, convincing myself that He is always there listening and that He has something great in store for me. I have kept on telling myself that He knows best and that in the end everything's going to be worth the struggle but the main problem is, I don't even believe in what I tell myself.

Religion and the believe in Allah has kept me going on all long but now, I'm afraid that I'm starting to lose faith. I don't like my own train of thoughts and I am starting to question so many things about my own deen. The very deen that saved me from drowning a few years back. Thoughts such as stopping prayer, taking off my hijab and not reading the Qur'an anymore has crossed my mind. I'm just so afraid right now for if He takes away the Hidayah of Islam from me, I have nothing left. I just can't seem to control my own thoughts and these thoughts existed even during the month of Ramadhan where I was free from the whispers of the Syaitan. I really have no idea on what I should do or how I should cope with all these challenges. The demons of my thoughts seems too hard to be defeated. I am scared, dead scared. Please make doa that He shows me the way through this and helps me find peace while I am in the Land Down Under. I have not felt peace for more than 2 years and I yearn for peace, the ability to be able to control my own thoughts and to find Him. I just need to truly believe in Him again. 

May this new semester turn out to be a better one for me, In shaa Allah. May I find Him in my struggles.

Farhanah Adam.