Embracing Pain

The phase of growing up comes with a price to it. Heartache is one of those immense pain that I have felt these past few years but it has undoubtedly thought me a lot about myself and made me stronger. At the beginning of the time of which I felt the pain, I did not want to admit it. I felt as if I was 'too strong' to go through such pain that's caused by mankind and that no one could have such an impact to make me feel immense pain. Well, I was definitely wrong to think in that manner and it didn't help at all. It only made things worse as I did not do the first thing that's necessary to be done when one's feeling hurt- to validate that very feeling.

Now that I have finally accepted my vulnerability and come to terms with it, I feel as if a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Admitting that I'm weak and that I'm in pain has made me stronger to move on. Though it's been a challenge, it has been a lot easier. I now wonder why I didn't embrace the pain earlier and the answer is fear. I allowed it to consume my thoughts, emotions and feelings. The power of fear is tremendous and it's been more than 2 years since it has held me back from embracing pain. Paradoxically, Alhamdulillah, I'm now glad that I have finally embraced the pain.

'Pain demands to be felt'

Farhanah Adam.

Of Letting Go

Letting Go,

Two words,

Carrying a burden,

As great as the snowy mountains.

Letting Go,

A concept so complex,

And I bet that right now, 

That song's playing in your head.

(this is so random)

Letting Go,

It just revolves around everything,

From relationships to school grades,

From the best to worse memories.

Letting Go,

Why is it so hard?

Why do we hold on so tight?

Why do we fear letting go?

Letting Go,

It was never meant to be easy,

As that's the ultimate test for creation,

To let go and have faith.

Alright, back to studying!

Farhanah Adam.

Not Even the Mid-Way Slump

It's only the third day of Ramadhan and I'm already feeling completely worn-out, exhausted and tired of myself. I don't know why I expected Ramadhan to be different. For me to just be okay and to not feel all those mixed emotions, having unwanted thoughts and so on. It's maybe due to the fact that Syaitan is tied up during Ramadhan, I thought that everything was going to be 'perfect'. The truth is, it's me who is the actual problem. It's me who has to change. I'm exhausted and I'm tired of trying to change for I don't know what's the root cause of my issues.

Letting go of the past is such a huge burden for me. Then, I should probably move on right? The problem is, each time I try to move on, fear of what may happen due to the past haunts me. Everyone tells me to be happy by simply thinking about happy things. It's not that easy though I wish it was. I hate having feelings and emotions as they are like waves which hit hard and I just drown within them. I'm worn out, Ya Allah. I just don't think life's worth living but I know it's wrong to think this way. Forgive me for I'm ungrateful but only You truly know what I'm going through.

Farhanah Adam.

Education

I always had the perception that university life would be totally different, in an enchanting way. Adults who are in their 50-s and those in my grandparents' era, have told me countless times that university days were the best times of their lives. Those were their carefree days where they just had to attend classes, study for exams and the rest of the time was to be enjoyed with friends. They always told me that learning was a joy to them, not a burden. I never heard them ever using the word 'stress' to describe university life. So, before embarking upon my new journey of uni life 3 months ago, I held on to this perception, forgetting that times have changed and that we now live in a fast-paced world.

When I started uni 3 months back, I was eager to learn and to take in knowledge, to appreciate its value and to be able to smile, knowing that I have learnt something new and precious. Well, I must say that having the positive mindset to start my university journey was definitely a plus point but it didn't last me long. I think that no matter which part of the world one is studying today, there is immense pressure being placed on students, focusing on the 'outcome and results' instead of the journey. I'm sure that I'm not the only one who has to go through sleepless nights having to stay up to complete assignments, study for quizzes and to simply finish weekly homework or readings. Sometimes I question is it's my time management skills that are terrible. I would say that even if I have a slightly more 'disciplined' lifestyle, I could probably only get 20% more of the work done without having to stay up.

I feel as if I have been deceived when it comes to understanding the true meaning of education. I don't mind working hard, really. In fact, I know that working hard is essential but it should be for the knowledge. But doesn't everything have their own limits? How is someone like me who suffers from migraine and epilepsy (disabilities that will be triggered due to stress or lack of sleep), supposed to deal with education? Do I really have to sacrifice my health and take in the extra pills, suffer from having migraine but still needing to stay up with that pain to complete the pile of work awaiting me? I guess the only answer is yes, I have to. The world doesn't give in to disabilities. I'm meant to deal with it and I know that what I'm facing is trivial compared to other people who have it worst. I'm struggling to love education, to enjoy learning in this system which only aims to produce students with great grades and not educate them for the knowledge. Forgive me if my perceptions are distorted and negative. I hope that at one point during my 3 years of education, it will change.

Farhanah Adam.

Are you alright?

Sometimes, all we need to hear are those three words, or any other phrases which mean the same thing.  It does hurt when people assume that we are doing just fine when the whole world seems to be crumbling (exaggeration much). The message I would like to convey is that if you see someone who is going through a tough day, it wouldn't hurt to just utter those three words, would it?

That's the beauty of living here in Australia. People always make it a point to ask 'How r ya?'. It's more like a culture embedded in the people here and apparently, you are expected to always say 'I'm great' but oh well, that's kind of good as you have to force yourself to smile and be okay just for that moment, at least!

Okayy, back to my assignments! :)

Farhanah Adam.

The Power of Believing

The day didn't go as planned. I woke up later than I was supposed to and I felt extremely sick. The same thought of 'Urghh... Another Day!' crossed my mind. I got out of bed and saw the pile of work lying on my study table. The thought of having to complete all that made me feel even worse.

As usual, I switched on You Tube and looked for some music to accompany me while completing the mundane assignments. Lately, this video of Humood AlKhudher singing 'Kun Anta' has been going around and I decided to check it out only to come about this amazing video of which its lyrics were soothing to my heart. It's called, Aseer Ahsan by Humood AlKhudher. A part of the lyrics are as follows:

Yes, I'll be better

Nothing can stop me

As long as I'm alive

I'll do what I've to do

I'm not afraid, I won't stand still

I'm moving ahead, my heart's my guide

I own the cure for the challenge

Even in the hardest and most painful situations

The song's in Arabic but it really made an impact on me as I've been listening to it all day, alternating it with other songs of course. It's as if I'm telling myself countless times that I will get better and well, you are what you tell yourself. Anyway, here's the song to those who would like to check it out! Trust me, even if you don't understand Arabic, the lyrics are simply beautiful :)

Farhanah Adam.

Whatever You Deem It Is

Getting up everyday, asking myself 'Why am I still alive?' is indeed a crazy thought to have. Everyone I know has been telling me that I have to be grateful to live another day, for Allah has given me the chance to be a better person and to recover from whatever situation that I'm currently in. They have told me countless times that I have to be strong and I have to keep going for indeed, the end is going to be worth it. That Allah loves me and through this, He will expiate my sins. That one day, I will finally understand why Allah placed me in such a difficult situation.

I understand where everyone's coming from. They are asking me to have Faith in Allah, to believe that there's good in everything, just like the hadith of the prophet which states that there's good in every affair of a believer. They are all telling me to believe in His promise.

Alhamdulillah, I believe in everything that has been said. I know that Allah's promise is true. I know that. It's just that when things become so hard, when getting out of bed becomes a chore, when living itself is a chore of its own, how am I suppose to 'keep going'? How am I to smile and to stay happy for I can't even feel grateful for the many things I have been blessed with? Despite knowing that I have so much to be thankful for, I just can't see the positives in life and feel happy. It's as if my emotions are numb to feel joy. It's only sadness that I often feel. Thoughts of ending my life conquer my mind but thanks to Islam, I know that only He has the right to do so. Only He can take away life from me. I know it's a morbid thought to have and that I should never think this way, but I can't seem to have a sense of control of my own mind.

Despite all that I have said above, I'm still alive right now, staring at this blank page and thinking about 'Why Am I Here?'. Again, I know that the ultimate reason is to worship Him and to live my life in order to attain His blessings. Then again, this whole concept is so difficult to truly be practiced. As a first year student studying abroad with numerous challenges in my way, I have tried enjoying my studies and living the 'robotic' life of getting up, going to Uni, performing my 5 daily prayers, studying through the night, keeping myself entertained through the social media and reading, I just feel myself questioning my existence time and time again. It's as if I'm currently doing what I'm doing because I don't have a choice to do anything else and simply because at the age of 20, it's a requirement to attain a degree. Don't get me wrong, I really used to love studying and gaining knowledge but with the hectic schedule of uni life, this whole ideology I had about studying for the sake of knowledge has been ruined.

And, I find myself thinking this: 'If I were to die today, would that make a difference at all, really?'. Well, maybe my friends and family would mourn over my death for a few days or weeks at most, but after that? I will be forgotten. And even if I place this situation in terms of how Allah would evaluate me, I don't think I'm worthy of His Jannah, really. For all I have done is complain about His blessings.

I want to be defined more than my grades, more than the uni I am in, more than which scholarship I am under, which country I'm studying in and I want to be defined more than the degree I will eventually attain. I want to feel that it's okay to feel sluggish and to feel that life it's worthless but use to use that morbid thought as a source of motivation to get back up and to search for my true meaning of existence. 

I know that a huge part of my current state is my inability to let go of my past fears and to just move on with life. I have been restricting myself to too many things I wanted to do such as blogging about mental health, considering that the society may end up judging me. But in the end, when I suffer, it comes back to me and Allah. Society can only support with their comforting words. I can't deny that I'm feeling completely horrible today but then again, I have responsibilities which consists of assignments piling up to be completed. I now see it as a burden because I have deadlines and I don't even have time for myself. Every single day of the week is devoted to work, work and more work but I have to admit that my time management skills aren't admirable, either. I often succumb to wander where is the old me, who had the determination and drive, the passion and that fire to do well in my studies? Though I do wish that I had that girl back, I sometimes reflect and realize that it's better that she isn't around anymore for at that point of her life, studies was all that mattered to her. Now, she has to search for her true meaning of existence and ensure that she doesn't fall into the trap of the modern world.

Well, I honestly don't know what was the exact message I was trying to deliver through this but I do feel slightly better for indirectly, I have expressed my gratitude towards Him (i think).

Farhanah Adam.