#FromHertoMe

Dear Farhanah,

You have been through a long day but hey, Alhamdulillah today seems to be better that yesterday. It depends on perspective. Well, when I say better from your point of view, it would probably mean that you're happier today but that's not exactly the case. Today's better because you pushed yourself hard. You mustered up all the energy you had to get the Arabic video done in the morning and although there were nasty thoughts in your mind, it mellowed down a little.

You couldn't do much thereafter and you were frightened of how aggressive you felt but that's okay. You slept and you got through it. Yes, you did smash your smartphone to the floor (again- for the 3rd time) and it shattered the screen but that's better than cutting yourself, isn't it? You then went through the 20 minute lecture with your aunt over the phone without losing your cool and I think that's something you should be proud of. You realized that the reason she called was because she cares about how you are doing and that's the best way she knows to help you. I know how you felt like telling her to stop giving you advise for something that she has never been through but you didn't and you should really be proud of that.

You have also been writing a lot on Facebook, exposing the most vulnerable parts of you and letting unknown people into your life. I understand that it's scary to do so because you have been, are and will be let down by many people in your life. You are afraid but your attempt of writing shows that you are trying your best to overcome this fear. You must realize that your expectations aren't too high but you have to realize that not everyone is going to meet them. If they don't, it's an indication for you to let them go unless they really do mean something to you. And when I say "mean something", my definition here would be people whom are your family or whom you consider as family. Otherwise, let them go for they are just toxic in your life.

You have made plans in your head- things that you feel would probably help you to get through this tough time. You are hesitant of putting them down into words as you feel that you would get disappointed and feel like a failure if you don't execute them. Well, Farhanah, you have to accept that everyday has its ups and downs. Half of today was miserable for you but now that you're feeling slightly energized, the next half may be better. You just have to believe that it could and will get better. I know optimism is hard right now, but you got to try. Please don't be mad at me for telling you to be 'optimistic' for the optimism here is not the same definition as what everyone may seem to imply. All I'm saying is to have faith, I guess. He allowed you to feel that you have the potential to get better so that's something to smile about today.

So, now, let's list down the plans you had in your head. Even if you can't carry out all of them, just doing one would do. I know you aren't convinced of this idea but let's just write them down, alright?

• Teach kids at the Refugee Centre at Serdang. (I'm scared because I feel like it's quite a distance to travel to Serdang on my own and I can't bear the thought of being with my own mind outside home for that long a period. I'm worried that I may get a panic attack or suddenly cry. Also, how if I lose my way?)
• Learn kickboxing on Saturdays. (I can't do this alone)
• Read the Qur'an in a way that I've never done before. To actually reflect upon the meaning and journalize on what those verses mean to me. (If I just do this and not go out of the house, I'm worried that isolation would make things worse. I may be okay now but what would happen when I return to Australia? Would things return the same way again?)
• Learn Arabic online via Bayyinah TV. (Same worries about isolation)

Now you are angry with your mum again. I mean, be logical, Farhanah. Why are you so angry with her? She can't read your mind can she? (It's bloody hard to be logical at this point)

Okay, I'm done with this.

I have been trying to be okay but it's just not working. I feel like my attempts to stay happy is such a temporary thing and when it comes to the end of the week, my body just breaks down due to exhaustion. But I need that exhaustion as a defensive mechanism to prevent my depressive symptoms from hitting on me. I just hope that I don't give up so easily. Maybe it will just be hard now and eventually, things will probably become easier for me. I'm okay, I guess. I will be, hopefully.

Sometimes you think that you have got things figured out. 

Like you feel that everything is going to get better.

Then, something just snaps and you realize that you were wrong.

You don't have control over ANYTHING.

Only He has the ultimate power.

He will make you snap as He loves you. 

He wants you to remember Him and return to Him.

But that doesn't mean you don't try to make things okay.

You have to try the best you can.

One day you will be okay, the next day you may flop.

But hey, that's life. Chin up, make do'a and carry on :)

I don't know about you but there have been times of which I loathe myself so much whereby I feel utterly worthless. It's like I come to a point where I start asking 'apa guna aku kat dunia ni?'. It's as if my existence just brings about pain to other people and that my presence doesn't mean anything to anyone, not even myself. Well, I haven't found anything to soothe my soul and comfort it by rebutting the matter stated above. 

However, to just know that even if I hate myself, there's Allah who loves me is so comforting. Despite how cruel I am to myself, He has always saved me. Just when I thought no one gave a shit about me, He showed His love and mercy upon me. And what makes it even more mind-blowing is the fact that He didn't send anyone to make me feel loved. He showed it to me- directly. O Allah, make this heart fall in love with you, the Only One who will always stay. 

I'm okay now, O Allah. Thank you for loving me at my worst. #thepoweroflove

Yours truly,

Farhanah.

It May Not Be The Best

Often times,  when unexpected things happen and when circumstances don't favor what we seem to be ideal, it is normal to receive advise saying that 'yknow what, maybe that's not what's best for you. Allah knows best'. As a recipient of such advise, one of the many things that would go through my mind upon listening to that phrase is 'I know... But you have no idea what I'm currently going through'.

I guess that in all of us, there's this ego-defensive mechanism that arises every time we receive advise or criticism (well, I speak for myself but I believe that I'm not the only one). For me, there's always this need of defending that no one has the right to give me such advise as they have no idea of my situation but the paradox of it is that most of the time, I'm actually the person seeking for that advise. I have come upon to realize that this ego-defensive mechanism of mine has been growing stronger recently and my intention of seeking for advise would usually turn out to a session where I blurt out all my problems and just not come up with any solutions. Why? It's because I'm just not willing to listen to what others have to say to me. I'm afraid of criticism, I'm too lazy to make a change and I'm too exhausted to try and find a solution to my problems. Those are the facts and I guess that to overcome the unfavorable position which I'm in, I need to firstly change my attitude. I need to speak less and listen more. What's the point of defending my own ego when it's my ego which has led to this self-destruction ?

Farhanah.

When no one understands, when no one wants to listen, that's when I realize how empty I am. How much this void hurts and how difficult it is to do something to overcome it. I realize that I have no one, no one who will be there with me all the time regardless of how much they love me. And this realization comes with so much pain for I have always thought that there are some people I can always depend on. I was wrong, for indeed human beings aren't meant to stay. They are meant to let you down, to cause you heartbreak due to your undue attachments.

Then again, is it wrong for me to be so attached to my family? I never knew that love could cause me so much pain. Or maybe, it's not love but it's selfishness and over-dependency. I can't do this for I don't know how to live without them. This pain is so overwhelming but I'm just relieved and glad that at least, I'm able to cry. He didn't take that away from me this time around. The ability for these tears to flow down my cheeks are a blessing. I just hope that He helps me wade my way through this. 

When It Gets Real

Being diagnosed with depressive symptoms and officially being diagnosed with 'clinical depression' are two very different feelings. The latter brings about feelings of denial but Alhamdulillah, being diagnosed with the symptoms before the disease eases the pain a lot. Besides denial, there's a tiny bit of relief (I guess) as what I'm feeling has finally been acknowledge and I know that I have to get due help, In shaa Allah. Please make do'a for me so that with His help, I'm able to pull myself out from diving deeper into this ocean of unwanted emotional turmoil.